Yesterday was spent focusing on the "feelings" side of the last couple of weeks with this heart trouble. Sadly, I had a very panic stricken morning before it all got better. When I remembered that the joy of the LORD is my strength I decided to focus on it! I recovered, physically and emotionally from that valley.
In fact, by lunchtime I felt better than I have in two weeks. I had been covered in prayer all day due to meetings that my husband had with church friends, including our pastor, at breakfast and lunchtime, and a meeting I had with a long-time dear friend. My husband's meetings had been scheduled before my troubles started- yet another non-coincidence.
I decided to continue to pray for wisdom while I'm waiting for the medical community to give their advice. I still haven't heard from my doctor about Thursday's echocardiogram. I do know he is out of town right now though.
Regardless of whether there is a plumbing problem in my heart, I still have these bothersome rhythms to live with. Since I've read that these supplements have worked for other people like me, I started to work on a plan for taking taurine, l-arginine, and CoQ10 to try to eliminate or decrease the arrhythmias. Thankfully I had some success.
Today I'm working a slighly different plan and continuing to beg God for wisdom and knowledge in each step. Since I'm breastfeeding I researched repeatedly for side effects and found none. I still want to take the smallest dose necessary to be feeling ok, for baby's safety and mine.
The short story on my feelings is that I know God is bigger than all my collected concerns and potential problems. He can use me as He wills to reach others. I've repeatedly tried to submit my heart (spiritual and physical) to Him and not worry. I tend to cling to my desire to breastfeed tightly. It doesn't fit with advanced cardiac diagnostic tests and procedures of course, so there could come a time when I have to give it up. But I've asked the LORD to tell me or my husband when we reach that point. I know the doctors don't care about my breastfeeding. We have competing goals at times. Once I'm in their care, they just hope I don't die b/c they made a mistake or failed to test me thoroughly enough. I'm hoping for the least invasive solution, or maybe just to put off some invasive events until the baby is older. I realize that I may not have that luxury. I'm reminding myself that it would be ok.
Some random realizations I've had:
~For God the end does justify the means. He often uses/allows temporal means to bring spiritual results.
~Just before the low pulse started, I had prayed often that God would give me a heart like His. I recognize that I do not love enough or like He does and I desire that. When I prayed "change my heart oh God" I wasn't thinking of surgery. : ) But whatever it takes, note my first point.
~When I was a little girl I thought there was something wrong with my heart. I had many chest pains right over my heart. And I greatly feared that I might die. Eventually I grew out of the pains and the fears. But now, it seems strange that I could've been partially correct.
I'm enjoying my family, as crazy as it is, and trying to cherish everyone. Life with nine does not slow down even if Mom is not herself!
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