The View from the Other Side

We had a thought provoking experience today at the blueberry patch.  I'm still wondering exactly how to document it.  It is mostly about how appearances do matter, atleast until you have the time to get to know someone and can really hear one's heart. 

Twice this year while out in public we noticed another family from afar and someone in our family has said quietly, "Look!  Homeschoolers!".  On both occasions we have recognized a group of people who are different from the general public either in dress, countenance, behavior, family size or a combination of even a couple of those characteristics.  We were seeing what others might have seen when looking at us.  It was a great opportunity for lively discussion about our appearance. 

We know that other people have thought or said the same about our family of eleven as we have marched through the mall, mostly clad in skirts and non-pop culture type clothing.  It is so obvious that the older ones often resist going out all together because they know people will be counting and staring.  They always get a great pep talk about how they should be proud and thankful for the family God has given us.  Better yet, they are reminded of what a great opportunty we have to speak about Jesus through our actions and our words because we know people might notice us, or engage us in conversation. 

Over the last couple of years our ideas about how we want to look has changed, however.  So while we might have been able to identify with the families that we saw in public, both today and a few months back, we weren't dressed like them and maybe didn't even stand out, as they did, from the crowds. As a result of our changes we have felt like undercover conservatives, or secret homeschoolers.  Especially since we didn't have but a small portion of our family on both outings, we really were able to fly under the "large family" radar and watch how other people responded to them.  Better yet, we could look at our own hearts and see how we responded to their appearances.

It was a strange feeling to not be the ones who folks might wrongly tag as "Amish, "Mennonite" or "Pentecostal".  We were wearing pants because it was really cold, or because we can't stand mosquitoes on these two particular days, but generally we do chose skirts or dresses for the females in our family.  We all hate the "tennis shoes with skirts" combination but have defnitely worn that before also.  Since we have been vacationing in the mountains twice a year for the last three years, we've been forced to acquire more practical clothing for outdoors and cold weather.  Full time skirt wearing is ok if you are always inside, never trying to exercise, or don't do any hard labor.  We've given it up.  But having said that, we feel nothing but compassion towards those who continue to dress that way all the time. 

We struggled constantly with ripped back kick pleats.  We hoarded knee socks when they were in style so that we would still have them for the next year of cold weather when no one would be selling or wearing them.  We could barely find comfortable, durable, good-looking shoes that could be worn with skirts, especially in the winter.  Changing diapers in the floor, or stretching exercises, were nearly impossible.  These days, we think it's easier to put on a skirt when we go out.  For an active home life or vacation, we choose clothing that suits our activity level.  We think that is pleasing to God.  And we still strive to keep all the clothing modest.  It's more work with pants, but God's family reputation is worth the effort. 

Our family has been shocked at the amount of attention our family draws. Our teen girls did not like being identified as "homeschoolers" just because they had skirts and simple outfits.  In fact, they have grown to reject the idea that their clothing has to been plain and culturally irrelevant.  I agree with them.  I too have abandoned the legalistic idea that wearing a skirt and large top is more godly than a more flattering outfit.  There is a fine line between dressing for the wrong sort of attention and choosing clothing that is complementary to the season in which we currently live.

For example, when I am pregnant, I strive to look my best.  Mostly I make this a priority because I do not want to portray motherhood as a burden.  Likewise,  I do not want young wives to think they have to give up feeling or appearing pretty in order to raise children.  God doesn't describe marriage and motherhood this way.  Fruitful vines, the wife of one's youth, graceful does, and so on, are not ugly word pictures for mature ladies.  I have been grateful for each new baby inside of me and God grants a special beauty and glow to most every pregnant lady. I think I glow with joy.  With each new pregnancy I have tried to make or buy (in thrift stores mostly) maternity clothing in colors that compliment my complexion.  I also avoid shapeless clothing.  This requires an honest assessment each time an outfit is worn since a pregnant woman's figure is constantly changing.  A once modest outfit can suddenly become inappropriate when a growth spurt hits.  But I do not mind the extra effort since I have had many experiences with my appearance as a mother of nine being  an encouragment to a young mom.  They say, "You don't look like you've had nine kids!"  I think that's good since apparently they don't expect a mother of many to look very good.  How sad is that?   What have Christian women throughout history done to make young people think that parenthood is ugly?  The most beautiful people I know are mothers of many children.  Maybe it's the blessing of God, supernaturally, or scientifically because estrogen has so many good properties; or it could be that mothers of many know that they will have to make an attempt to keep up a healthy appearance,therefore we take better care of ourselves.  Whatever the case, our appearance communicates with the next generation.  I think we should make the message in agreement with God's word:  children are a gift of the Lord.

Kendal and  Kelsey have done a fabulous job of making their own clothing.  They make adjustments on dresses to help them fit better and to be more modest than the original pattern can afford.  We still disagree on ocassion about a pair of jeans, or if a skirt should be worn instead of pants.  These are minor details and as a parent I know that getting to the heart of the matter is most important.  So we explore the reasons why they would choose one item over another.  I have found them to be very teachable in this area.  If they ever are not, I generally pull out the "Mom card" and insist that they follow my advice for as long as they are in our home.  : )  However, I try to keep us from drifting to that necessary and dreaded conclusion.

Back to today, we were all wearing long pants in the berry patch, even blue jeans.  Kelsey wondered if the skirt-clad family judged us as heathens, specifically her, as a young lady for wearing jeans.  We were both having many questions in our minds.  For example, the mother had a very young baby strapped to her chest with a fabric wrap and a nursing cover.  I have been that very patch with an infant strapped on my chest during atleast three summers.  In fact, this summer is the first time I have picked berries, while my youngest ones were at home.  I was in the patch today with four children ages 7-15!  The other mother didn't even seem to notice me.  Kelsey wondered if the other teenage girl thought anything of her.  I dare say that if our entire family had been there, we'd been in skirts, and my baby were strapped to my chest, we would've had a conversation with them.  We would've recognized our kinship.

I wondered how many times we mentally had dismissed other families who appeared to be small or more liberal than us...What does that mean?  Is it important?  We talk to all sorts of folks.  We certainly never confine our friendliness with strangers only to other large families.  In fact, Bob and I are both drawn to older couples, young couples, single young adults,...we love to talk to anyone God puts in our paths.  But admittedly, we have a keen interest in those who seem to be "like" us.  Most large family members are curious about the inner workings of other large families, or homeschoolers and so they seek one another out.
 
It was funny that the other family had parked next to our minivan.  I only wish I had the bumper sticker that I have always wanted to make saying: my other vehicle is a 15 passenger van.  The other family had a 12 passenger and five or six children.  : )  They were feeling large.  We understood their situation better than they knew.  While we were all buying our berries their two year old fell in the ditch and cried.  Boy!  Could we relate.  Had our three year old been there everyone in the patch would've known his name.  Instead we kept hearing them call her name, "Noel!"  It was such an "outside looking in" sort of experience.

There is much to be said here about not judging others, not focusing on outward appearances, and not being bound by or judgmental about legalistic characteristics.  It's not even fair to assume that someone who wears skirts with tennis shoes in a berry patch is legalistic about dressing a certain way.  I can conclude however that how we dress is just as important as how we act.  Even if our clothing is only the reason for someone talking to us or stereotyping us, it is being used as a vehicle for communication.  We should be careful about what we are saying with our clothing choices and be even more careful about what we decide about others based upon their choices.

I think legalism, rebellion and apathy are equally evil.  We should dress to honor God, please our husbands/dads, respect and protect the opposite gender from purposeful temptation, and to maintain an honorable reputation on behalf of any group with which we associate.  Always avoid even the appearance of evil.  Likewise, the maintenance of a clear conscience will provide a joyful countenance which over rules all types of clothing.  The joy of the Lord is so rarely seen in a public place.  All are drawn to it.  People wonder why someone is so happy.  It's a mystery to many.  Unhappy people in legalistic type dress create confusion and doubt about their assumed religion.  Jesus followers have reason to be the happiest people on the planet.  So a smile, or a cheerful countenance, is still is, by far, the best clothing choice.