The Lord works in mysterious ways. This morning I had to laugh at His persistence in reaching me.
It has been a typical day for the most part. Early this morning I was peacefully nursing our youngest, praying, and inviting God to show me what He wanted us to do in a certain situation. It seemed that He had answered. I had a new idea, that I thought was from the Lord, and I was excited to share it with my husband. Then Disappointment arrived. We had a silly and frustrating conversation and for no apparent reason. I never did discover whether he liked the "idea". He left for work. I felt deflated since we struggle so often to communicate well. Because of the pathetic course of irritations during our disagreement, I failed to regain that sweet ground that I'd been enjoying before our conversation.
With my husband off to work, I tried to regain a sweet composure. Then the fights among the children started. I tried to intervene in some. Others I let go. Little ones were refusing to allow their buddies to help them get ready for the day. I was called to get involved, over and over and over again.
After all the howling ceased, we ate breakfast. Then I read from our current "devotion" book. Ironically it's a book about relationships between siblings called Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends by Sarah Mally. After removing the fussy baby from the kitchen where we read together, we tried to discuss our book. Today the subject was compassion. I am thankful for this book. We need it so badly.
Then, the toddler who was allowed to leave the table early announced that the baby's diaper was stinky. The seemed like a good time to stop reading and pray quickly. After giving directions for breakfast cleanup and other chores and changing the diaper, I spent hours going around the house picking up clutter, straightening, and asking children to take responsibility for their stuff.
At one point I was in the bathroom questioning why the cabinet was in disarray. I just taken the toddler to the potty and was helping a little girl clean up her area. Arguments were breaking out in other parts of the house. I felt overwhelmed. In frustration I said, "There are so many of you!!!". I hope I didn't say that there are too many of them. That would be ungrateful. And I would never wish for there any one of them to not be part of our family. But I was definitely sinking in the mire of hopelessness. I sat on the toilet lid and stared into space. It was a quiet place for the moment and I took advantage of it. I felt badly for saying what I was thinking outloud. But I wondered what to do with such yucky feelings...then the baby wandered back down the hall toward the bathroom where the door was open. He said, "Ma", in his precious 13 month old voice. Then he walked over and kissed me on my lap.
In my heart I told the Lord I was sorry for being irritated over having so many children to care for. I realized that in order to have less children I would certainly not have the pleasure of knowing beautiful Joshua, our ninth, and most recent baby. I tried to muster enough gratitude to move to a busier part of the house and get back to work.
Those thoughts quickly faded into the noise of another crisis in another room. So I went back to chasing my tail...within the hour hopelessness crept in again. I felt sad and overwhelmed. I kept going through the motions of cleaning up and giving instructions.
I pulled everything out of a drawer that was long overdue for a cleaning. I put everything on the counter and began wondering why and how each item had arrived in that particular place. I kept most of my questions to myself. (In our house we have a habit of saying outloud things like, "Why would someone decide that the Gorilla glue belongs in this drawer".)
Then I saw the hot pink index card. I recognized it from a batch that I had used over a decade ago in a ladies' prayer group that I once led. I've never had any index cards in hot pink since, so I always know when I've stumbled upon one out of that special group. Back then I had only four children (sarcasm intended) and I was finding the end of my own capabilities for the first time in my life...the verses are so powerful so I never throw them away. When I read it I could hardly believe that I don't already have that verse memorized. Then I laughed outloud because I knew that only God could love me enough to send me that message, today, at that very moment. I instantly understood that my Heavenly Father has been watching me and loving me all morning. I am not alone and I am not without hope. The verse won't change my life unless I keep it in the forefront of my mind. My children don't know, or maybe even care, that I am running out of zeal for this occupation. But God knows. I hope He never stops sending me words, His Words of encouragment. I need them so badly.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing your toil is not in vain in the Lord. I Cor 15:58
